BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.


“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*


who is it?
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”


A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.


*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter


me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden


How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?


I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?