Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick