[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
when you don’t want to be too vague
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga