[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician