[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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Yup….perfect score!
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Merry Christmas
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.