Bless you
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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The Birdles
tis the season
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?