“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

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ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.


These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.


Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet


Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.


6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?


6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son


I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.


[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings


I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.


I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.