“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.


If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.


100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.


My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.


Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals


Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁


If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator


If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.


Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.