@NotthatAdamWest

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

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@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

@LuvPug

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

@ristolable

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

@xMonica13x

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

@thatdutchperson

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

@robyn_vo

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

@ChaseMit

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

@Cornjerker78

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

@sherifsharkawi

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.