“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Actually cracking up @ this
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.