Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?