blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
You Might Also Like
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids