Blew my mind.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.