Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Growing up was a huge mistake
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.