Blew out my flip flop…
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Not recommended for beginners.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
It be like that sometimes 😆
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!