[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”