BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me checking my bank balance online.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Yes my dude
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁