[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
You Might Also Like
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Basketball
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.