[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Welcome to the stomach
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.