[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

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Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.


People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.


“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me


Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.


I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.


if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?


Picture me eating dinner.
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.


TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall