@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

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@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@mariamainmo

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

@MoneypennyNaked

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

@myhoneypeaches

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

@iMikosnyc

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

@Brampersandon_

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall