[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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That’s incredible! 👌
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
j o i m p
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
October already? What’s next? November????
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.