[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Something Saturday.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME