[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
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I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
#have a #great #PancakeDay