[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Meow
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
british sex workers really pound for pound
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Milk Cube
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)