[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.