[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My birthstone is a marshmallow
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”