[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
You Might Also Like
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.