[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
THIS HEADLINE
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Challenge accepted.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.