Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”