[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.