[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”


It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.


Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.


carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*


Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.


I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.


I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog


[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]


What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?


[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”