Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

bros in the example zone 😭

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button