[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I’m giving up for Lent.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.