Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Me as a therapist: omg same

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog