[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
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A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*lint rolls you awake*
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.