[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.