[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
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Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.