[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.