Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
There’s only one good girl here!
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I love you…
…r dog.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Your secret is safeish with me
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
cats when you pet them too long:
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.