Blocked: 1985
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#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..