Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
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Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35