blocked.
You Might Also Like
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*