Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My safe word is Worcestershire
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence