Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

Did I do this right

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.