Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!