Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
