Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
You Might Also Like
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.