Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
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Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Weighing up my bread heating options
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
✌️
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession