Blocking someone isn’t enough. You have to hire a bunch of singing clowns to finish the job
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Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:![]()
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
An odd boast
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.