Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.