[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
[chases him from room with broom]

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WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.


Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.


My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer


I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.


*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]


[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back


[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*


I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.


People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.


My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.