[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
thank god the sign was there
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.