Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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Become ungovernable.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
me before I type out affect or effect
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.