Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.