Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’ve been learning to cook.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”