Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.


I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.


Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.


Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.


I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.


The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?


[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]


Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.