@nPhelendriqal

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

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@Mike_Bianchi

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

@vanleygoodtakes

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

@JohnLyonTweets

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

@TwistdidMind

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

@RubyBottoms

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

@radtoria

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.