Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”