[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
There are usually two types of merchants.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “